Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Public Transportation Tales

Stop Hustling Me

I really wish people would stop hustling me down the stairs. You got places to be. I get it. But I don't get why you need to breathe down my neck. It stresses me out. Maybe you're not aware of this but once when I was little I had a phobia about falling down the stairs. I guess that's technically everyone's phobia because it would be terrifying and you'd probably be dead. But anyways, when I was little I used to go down the stairs very slowly and with both feet on one stair at a time. Is that the right way to describe that? Probably not. I used to step on a step. Both feet. Then one foot would go to the next step. And then the other foot would come to meet it. It was like my feet were two 13 year old BFFs who can't go to the bathroom without holding hands and giggling. I continued to do this until one day the class lesbian made fun of me. She was 7 and she knew who she was (a 7 year old lesbian) and here I was walking down stairs like an old lady with glass legs. But even after I kicked the slow step habit I still like to take my time you know?


One time this girl hustled me down the stairs to the subway. I could hear her huffing and breathing and letting out sighs of anguish. I got the feeling that the only way to make her happy would be to die so she could sled down the stairs on my body. When she got to the bottom of the stairs after finally blowing past me she missed the train. And then we both had to ride the same train while I sneered at her and silently congratulated myself for winning the slow stairs race. Take that biotch.


Look Ma, No Handlebars!

On just a regular summer day after work I was walking to the subway. Traffic was lined up. Fake homeless people were counting their dimes. Hip co-workers were mounting their bikes with their hip pant legs rolled up. I was stopped at a crosswalk when I heard a man yelling, "Oh! Oh God! Oh no! Oh no! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" I looked up to see a man on a bicycle holding his handlebars in the air. Apparently his handlebars had come off his bike and he couldn't stop. He was still moving and getting closer and closer to the head of the traffic and he had no handlebars. I figured I was about to witness a horrific accident but then I looked around and realized that no one else was even paying attention. It was just me staring dumfounded at a guy whose handlebars came off and was screaming about it. I'm still confused about what was happening here. Was it all an act? Was he the 'guy whose handlebars come off' and he pretends like it's the biggest crisis in the world?

Oh. Right yeah he was OK. My mind though? Still confused. If you have any information about the man with no handlebars, please contact me.





Here is a brief list of people I didn't know but instantly hated after riding at least one stop with them on the train.  

1.  Guy with trench coat who was wearing a fedora and had an umbrella clipped into the belt of his trench coat.

Guy: Have you ever seen that movie 'Taxi'?
Girl: No!
Guy: Well it's with Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise has gray hair and is an assassin. Jamie Foxx is a taxi driver who drives him around places while he kills people and (Guy proceeds to tell Girl and the rest of the passengers the entire plot of the movie 'Collateral')


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2. Asian lady who watches classical music concerts on her iPhone and hasn't yet discovered the joys of headphones.

Bonus--everybody gets treated to a Youtube video of an orchestra on the way to work.

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3. That really tall guy who decides that he A. needs to sit down and B. has to cross his extremely long legs. I assume he does this so he can be touching at least 4 people in all directions at once.

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4.  Little girl who plays with her Mom's iPhone and takes selfies and videos of herself singing nonsense into the camera. I checked and I successfully photo-bombed at least 5 of these. I was hoping that when her mom went back and watched them she'd notice how annoying her child was being because the nice lady next to her is making growly faces in the background. Here's hoping.


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1 Comments:

At August 27, 2014 at 3:46 PM , Blogger Deidre said...

I had a long day and this made me lol, thanks 'dre!

 

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