Fear

I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was... something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don't think you'd feel so alone anymore.

-Her 

I've always been afraid. Or at least I think I have. I may have been fearless and talkative at one point in my life but mostly I can only remember being afraid. Afraid of going places alone. Afraid of talking to people. Afraid of the doctor. Afraid of men. Afraid of talking in class. Afraid of movies. Afraid of spiders. Afraid of life. 

I suppose it's no surprise that at some point in life I developed an anxiety disorder. It's kind of like when you hear that an infamously out of control celebrity has died. You shrug and say 'it was only a matter of time'. Maybe all my fears and worries pooled together over the years and finally after I turned 20 my body said ENOUGH. And then it all went dark. 

One minute I was enjoying my life--even feeling brave maybe, going out with friends, drinking beer, confidently talking to strangers at college parties... and the next I was reduced to a trembling, nauseous mess. And just like that I lost it all. 

The truth is--- being afraid is very lonely. I try hard not to let anyone know this, but lately it's been harder.

Once when I was in Preschool we played the Farmer in the Dell. One kid would start as the farmer. We'd all sing. Then he'd pick a wife....the wife would pick a child on and on and on....the very last person to be picked is the cheese. When that last person is picked they have to stand alone in the middle of the circle while everybody sings about how the cheese stands alone. I was the cheese. And then I cried.

Sometimes I think I am still the cheese.