Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Super Panda Man

Willis McKinley slid his key into the lock of the door. The sound of the lock opening was reassuring as Willis looked back cautiously at his date. As the door opened he silently prayed that the horrid smell would not still be there. He had been up all night prior to this scrubbing and sanitizing every inch of the apartment.

“Wow this is a really great place”, Sarah began to walk around the apartment touching picture frames and furniture, it looked as though she were inspecting for dust. Willis breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this date would turn out better than the last ones did. Although whenever Willis thought that, the date always took a sudden turn for the worst.

“Ooh! A bamboo plant! I love these, aren’t they beautiful? And you have so much of it! Wow this is really amazing. What are these, teeth marks?” Sarah asked as she moved closer inspecting where large teeth marks could be seen in the bamboo stalks. Willis quickly moved over to Sarah and took her hand leading her away from plant and onto the couch.

“Yeah my uh sister sometimes brings her dog over and he goes a little nuts with the bamboo”.

“Those were pretty big teeth marks he must be a big dog huh?”

“Yeah.” Willis was growing red and his hands became clammy. He wiped his hands on his pants and grabbed the TV remote.

“I had a really nice time tonight, Willis” Sarah moved closer and Willis could feel his face getting redder, and his penis getting stiffer. They began kissing, awkwardly at first like when you are still learning how to do it, and then getting more and more passionate with every gasp for air. Sarah began unbuttoning Willis’s shirt and sliding her hand slowly down his chest. She let out a soft giggle,

“Jeez I’m gonna have to start calling you Austin Powers or something.” Willis looked down his shirt in horror. There were the beginning stages of his transformation taking it’s toll; a mass of tiny black and white hairs. Willis jerked up immediately hitting Sarah’s face in the process.

“Ow! What the hell? Jesus, I think my nose is bleeding!” Sarah exclaimed angrily at Willis as he high tailed it to the bathroom. He shut the door and ripped off his clothes. He watched in disappointment as his erection became hidden from view, amid a patch of black and white fur. His arms and legs were shortening and his head became enlarged.

“What the fuck Willis my nose really is bleeding get out of there!” Sarah was pounding on the bathroom door, as Willis took one last look at the remaining parts of his still human self.

“Sarah, I-um I’m sorry I’m really sick....” Willis voice came out like a low sounding growl.

“Do you need help?” The tone of Sarah’s voice made Willis think that she had hoped that he would say no.

“NOO.” The growling noise became more pronounced, “No. Just, just leave please. Sorry”, a deep loud groan erupted from Willis chest. “Maybe we can do this again some other night?” Willis listened for a reply but was met by the unpleasant sound of the door slamming shut.

Willis tried to look at himself in the mirror but the top of his head was all he could see. He sighed and opened the bathroom door, difficult to do with his panda hands and crawled slowly on all fours to the large bamboo plant and bit off a large piece. Willis took a seat on the couch and continued watching TV. Gnawing on his bamboo stalk Willis stared dazedly at the television set. Outside, the streets of New York City seemed unusually relaxed, and Willis silently wished his life could be the same.


“I told you Mom, I don’t know how to control it!” Willis was screaming into the phone. His mother and father lived in Chicago and were the ever-popular Mr. and Mrs. Invisible. Willis’s family was compromised of super heroes, all unique and special in their own ways. Willis first began showing signs of his superpower about two years ago after graduating from college. His super power seemed strange, as no one in his family had ever exhibited the ability to change into a panda. At first the changes occurred every few months or so, but lately they had been happening every few days. Willis sighed into the phone, while he walked around the apartment picking up bites and pieces of uneaten bamboo. 

“When did it happen this time?” Mrs. McKinley asked her voice was high pitched and had certain airiness about it. Willis rolled his eyes.

“I was with a girl Mom”

“Did you have an erection?” 


“Well that explains it honey, when you don’t know how to control your super powers they are usually brought on by excitement or a sudden change in emotion, usually hormone levels. When your father first began exhibiting powers we were at this cute little Italian restaurant and the food was taking a long time to come out, so we decided to make the wait go by a little faster…”

“Mom please. I really am not in the mood to hear about you and Dad’s sex life.” Mrs. McKinley laughed,

“Oh ok honey you’re right. Listen, why don’t you go see Dr. Ogglethorp, I’m sure he’ll be able to fit you in. It is fall you know, crime rates are usually low.” 

Willis dreaded she would say this. Dr. Ogglethorp was the worst kind of doctor you could imagine. Bad breath and cold hands, a shaky old man who looked like he should have retired about twenty years ago. Willis hadn’t been to see him since he was fifteen and before he started showing powers. He had told Willis many times that he doubted Willis would ever become a superhero. He’d chuckle and then shake his head and say, 

“Yes, yes, the only one in your family to not have super powers. Pity. Pity. Here have a lollipop” Willis always fantasized about pushing him out the window. 

“Yeah ok Mom, look I have to go and clean up this mess. It smells like a zoo in here.” 

“Okay honey, don’t be discouraged we love you!” 

Willis hung up the phone, but couldn't help but feel discouraged at the way things had been turning out. The panda power would last only until morning usually, but it still prevented Willis from having a normal life. It would be one thing if he could control it, and another thing if he had actually wanted to turn into a Panda. Willis couldn't think of a worse superpower, except maybe for his cousin Barry who had the unfortunate ability to change into a fruit. But even Barry didn't face the danger of turning into a casaba melon while being jerked off by a girl. Willis abandoned his cleaning and set off to dig up Dr. Ogglethorp’s number. At this point Willis would do anything to solve his panda problems. 


Willis sat in Dr. Ogglethorp’s office, staring at the walls of various super heroes. The pictures made him feel sick as he looked at the joyful faces of all the most famous super heroes in the world. 

“Ah. Willis good to see you again young man, good to see you indeed.” Dr. Ogglethorp had entered the office unexpectedly as Willis was lost in his thoughts. 

“So what brings you here today my boy?” Willis gritted his teeth, he despised being called a boy at the age of twenty-three. 

“Well I’ve been having troubles controlling my superpower-“ Willis began.

“Your superpower?” Dr. Ogglethorp started rifling through Willis’ file. “But that can’t be…”

“Well it seems to be that way Doctor. Every time I’m with a girl I turn into a panda and then it doesn’t go away till morning and my apartment smells like a zoo not to mention-.”

“A.. a panda did you say?” Dr. Ogglethorp was looking at Willis with a strange look in his eyes. It was a look that Willis had never seen before. 


Ogglethorp got up from his desk and went over to a large file cabinet in the corner of his office. 

“Doctor?” Willis turned around to watch Dr. Ogglethorp tear through the file cabinet, as Willis caught a few words being muttered from his mouth.

“….impossible……one hundred years….curious….”

“Doctor?” Dr. Ogglethorp cleared his throat. 

“Willis. Have you ever heard of the “Golden Hero”?” 

“Well yeah vaguely...” Willis thought back to when he was younger and his mother told him bedtime stories of superheroes. One in particular he recalled bore the name the “Golden Hero” It was a story about a legendary hero who is born into the world once every century. He was the most powerful hero of all and it was said that he would bring light to a world shrouded in darkness. As a child Willis had no idea what that meant, but his mother always described it to him best by saying, “Well honey he’s going to save everyone’s butts” 

“Wait a minute, you’re not trying to tell me that I am the Golden Hero are you?”

“There is an oracle who foresees the form of the Golden Hero, it would appear that his prediction for this century was…well a panda.”

“I’m the Golden Hero?”

“Yes, you see the Golden Hero’s powers take much longer to manifest because of the strength they must achieve. That is why I thought you were not going to be a superhero. Apparently I was quite mistaken.” Dr. Ogglethorp let out a nervous chuckle.

“I’m the Golden Hero!” Willis thought about that statement briefly before realizing the extremity of the matter.

“Oh my god.” Willis was suddenly horrified. 

“I’m a fucking panda and I have to save the world?” 

“Yes, isn’t it wonderful!” Dr. Ogglethorp beamed at him and Willis’ desire to push him out the window had never been stronger. 

“Now we must get to work. You need to start training this instant.” Dr. Ogglethorp had a certain giddiness to his voice, like a child begging his mother to start opening Christmas presents early. 

“Ok, um but how much training are we talking about here because I’m pretty sure all that pandas do is eat bamboo and sit around. How am I suppose to be a superhero if all I can do is eat bamboo?” Dr. Ogglethorp was eyeing Willis with a look of contempt. It was a look that made Willis wish he hadn’t said anything at all.

“You have a lot to learn about pandas my boy. Humans often misinterpret pandas, and their true strength is always unexpected. Yes, yes pandas are the most mysterious of all creatures. Have you ever seen the teeth of a panda, boy?” 

Willis thought this was a stupid question as he had seen his own panda teeth several times. Willis laughed and said,“Yeah those big teeth must really hurt the bamboo when they bite it. Ouch.” Willis spoke with an air of sarcasm, laughing at the seriousness of Dr. Ogglethorp’s tone.

“Those teeth my dear boy, are intended for crushing through bones.” Willis pondered this statement for quite some time. A panda using his teeth to kill? Dr. Ogglethorp must have really lost it, thought Willis.

“Right. Well I don’t remember seeing any savage pandas on the Discovery Channel Doctor…” 

Dr. Ogglethorp whacked Willis on the head with his cane, Willis let out a yelp.

“You foolish boy! You are already weak in your mind! Come! Come with me now before it gets any worse!” 

Dr. Ogglethorp pulled Willis along with him as he hobbled to the back of his office and through a secret door hidden in the wall. He led Willis down a musty corridor where the lights blinked on and off and gave Willis the peculiar sensation of being in a haunted house. Finally they came to a room that only contained a large machine that looked like some giant ancient time machine. 

“What is that?” Willis asked cautiously unsure of whether or not it was a time machine or a torture device.

“This is my teleporter, I am sending you away.”

“Wait what? I can’t just leave now I have work to go to in the morning!” Dr. Ogglethorp pushed him into the decrepit machine and slammed the door shut. Dr. Ogglethorp’s voice came over a speaker inside the machine,

“Yes well this is much more important I’m afraid.” Willis could hear the distinct sound of several buttons being pushed and then the machine turning on and getting ready to send Willis to his destination. 

“Wait where am I going? Hello?!” Dr. Ogglethorp smiled eerily at Willis through the small rounded window in the door of the machine. 

“Why, to China of course.” A white beam of light surrounded Willis, blinding him and making him wish that he had never spoken badly of pandas. 


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