As I Lay Dying (the Lost Pages)

VARDAMAN

       The sun come up like it always does. Slow first then it catches up with itself and runs fast into the sky. Darl told me the sun didn't really rise and run into the sky. Darl is my brother. Darl      And then I sat down and stared out into the water. The waves crash    one by one     the water sprays up. I wanted to go in the water. But Dewey Dell told me not to. If I go into the water then maybe she will see me and come back. She don't like salt water      she'll swallow it and the holes will close forever and she won't be able to breathe. Jewel sits off by himself. At night I heard a noise coming from Jewel when he was sleeping. Jewel don't sleep like we do. When everyone was sleeping I crept up to the water to see if I could see her. The lights weren't bright enough. I told the moon to turn on but I didn't talk loud enough cause I didn't want to wake up Dewey Dell. If I woke up Dewey Dell then she would have catched me trying to save her and then I wouldn't be able to save her. Dewey Dell hasn't been eating like us. She says she ain't hungry. But then I see her go and eat more than she should.     And once I seen her getting sick in the grass.

             And when the lights go off and the sun says hello to the moon and the moon says hello to the sky and we all go to sleep I dream of him. And the music is playing only I can't see him I only hear him     hes laughing and I say Darl why you laughing? And he keeps on laughing. And I say Darl why you laughing? And he keeps on laughing.   Once I couldn't go to sleep cause all I can hear is laughing.   And the waves don't crash they only laugh. And the moon was laughing cause I couldn't see him when the clouds rolled across his face. And the sand was laughing cause it got into my shirt and I couldn't stop itching. Then the sun come back up.       Slowly.

        Darl said the sun don't really rise. That's why they took him away   Darl   They took him away because he was crazy. Darl     Darl is my brother. Darl went crazy.    We walked on the beach and I could walk real close to the waves. And when they roll up I run into them. If I run fast enough they could take me with them back   back and I could go and save her. Then she'd be back.  The sand is cold.   We reach a new spot we ain't been to yet. He's laughing. And we sit down real quiet like someone was sleeping and we don't want to wake him. And we sit and no one talked. And then Pa got up and says he was gonna go looking for some wood to start a fire. I didn't say nothing. He keeps on laughing. I sit there by myself and I watch the water. I ain't gonna look away. When she comes I ain't gonna miss her. I'm gonna be right there. And when she jumps out of the water I will run in and save her cause she can't go on walking. She got no legs.  Cash got one leg.   Pa's been gone a long while.  But I keep on watching.  Dewey Dell tells me to go on and help Pa bring the wood. I ain't gonna stop watching. Dewey Dell yells at me again.   The clouds are pacing back n' forth across the sky and the sun keeps going away     and coming back     then he goes again. I get up cause Dewey Dell tells me to and I keep watching only I ain't watching where I was walking and then I fall    hard. The wood cut my hand. The wood's got holes in him.  My mother is a fish.  I put the holes so she could breathe.   When Pa come back he makes a fire. The fire is hot and the water is cold. Tonight I'm going to save her. When the moon says hello, and everyone was sleeping I go down to the water. I stand there and I smell the salt and I can feel her. She is there. I know it. I put my leg in one at a time. The waves crash lightly. Then I go the rest of he way. The waves are getting madder and they start crashing hard. And I tell them to stop. But they ain't stopping.  And I say stop waves I can't see her. And I can't see her.  And she is gone.  And I can't see nothing. And when I open my eyes its cloudy like when the fog comes and you can't see nothing. I can't see nothing.  Darl   Darl  Darl why are you laughing? Darl   I start crying only no one even knows it cause the water come and he takes my tears and he throws them into his ocean and my tears are drowned. And she can't see them. She is gone.   Then I close my eyes and I say goodbye. When I open my eyes I'm on my back and the sun is out. And Pa is looking at me. I can't hear nothing. I see their mouths move but I ain't hear nothing.      Darl why are you laughing?  And I look back out to the water only I know she ain't gonna be there. And I look away  and then I close my eyes again. And I see him.   Darl why are you laughing? Darl   Darl  Darl is my brother.    Darl went crazy.